Em’s non spolier Frozen 2 recap.
Remember how we kinda hated Elsa and Ana’a parents because they were all like “Elsa, hide those magical powers, conceal don’t feel bish!” And then they got themselves dead in a mysterious shipwreck, but we didn’t really care much. I mean we were sad for the kids but if we’re all being honest – none of us were emotionally attached to Mum and Dad. Even the film just kinda rolled a tiny velvet curtain over their portrait to symbolise their demise and then moved on. On a side note, Disney ain’t afraid to kill off a parent; can I get an amen up in here Mufasa and Bambi’s mum?!
Well forget that shit, because in Frozen 2 we get full back story realness and those two negligent parentals have a few more dimensions than we gave them credit for!
The film starts with flashbacks ahoy, I won’t give too much away but it’s super cute and we hear Ana and Elsa’s Mum sing and it’s sweet AF. Then we move to present day Arendelle and Elsa has some new purple eyeshadow, some jazzy flat boots and a positive attitude! She’s also moved away from the blue peasant girl vibe outfit-wise, and into a lilac dress, with power shoulders and matching pants. It’s very mid-90’s Gwen Stefani and I’m not mad about it. There’s some subtle diamontee work through the neckline and down the back of her sensible cape. Her look says: Yes I’m an ice queen but I could also be a corporate lawyer for the seven Dwarfs should the occasion call for it.
Elsa starts hearing voices and look, in the scheme of things, it doesn’t seem to phase her that much. Her possible schizophrenia moves us into the first power ballad of the movie, “Into the unknown” and I AM HERE FOR IT! She’s hitting an F chest belt first chorus in, and I was clapping in my gold class Jason recliner!
Olaf is back, as annoying as ever. I wish he had’ve found out what frozen things do in summer in Frozen 1. He gets a number about stuff making sense when you get older but honestly I wasn’t paying attention. He did have one shinning moment which stoped me from wanting to take him to the nearest seven eleven and turn him into a sassy slushy – he recounted the first frozen movie to some new characters who needed to be caught up. It was a hot, funny conscious stream of thought vomit verbalised and I was amused.
Kristoff is back and has moved into the castle even though he and Ana aren’t married (they’re quite progressive in A town huh?) he wants to take their relationship to the next level, he is still has a slightly worrying co-dependent relationship with his reindeer but he’s got a strong jawline and a kind heart so I’ll allow it. Elsa keeps hearing voices, and then earth, wind and fire turn up (not the 70’s funk band – the elements) rip the town apart and the residents of Arendelle are fucked yet again. Then the trolls pop in for a confusing cameo, granddad troll with the grass mullet says some shit about prophesies and bridges and mysterious trees. So then the gals have to go check out some enchanted forest for reasons I can’t tell you – not because I don’t want to spoil the movie I just straight up don’t understand why. It feels as though the makers of this franchise were given 100 bajillion dollars an felt the need to jam 57 stories lines in and I honestly couldn’t confidently tell you the synopsis of this film even if I wanted to. I dunno how a five year old is meant to get it because this moderately intelligent 40 year old got lost when the stone giants, tiny cute fire lizard and ice horses appeared..
OH YEAH THERE ARE TOALLY ICE HORSES AND THEY ARE EPIC WITH GLISTENING MANES AND ELSA TOTALLY RIDES ONE AND I WEPT REAL SALTY TEARS!
Kristoff gets the song of the movie IMO ‘Lost in the woods’ – it’s an 80’s power ballad complete with split screens and meaningful and wistful stares atop cliffs with a bohemian rhapsody reindeer accompaniment.
Then Elsa totally does an Elsa, and ditches everyone to go and find herself – AGAIN.
While living her eat, pray, love fantasy, she falls into some underground epic ice world of future and past combined, she then gets a total make over – we’re talking queer eye on crack levels of hair, make-up and clothing. I can totally hear Jonathan Van Ness screaming ‘YES HENNY. SERVING FIERCE SILVER FOX FAIRY BAREFOOT REALNESS!’ She then sings ‘Let it go’ sorry I mean ‘Show yourself’ and I CRIED MORE SALTY TEARS!
It also turns out that there was an indigenous population of Arendelle that the white people of the town totally screwed over and look Disney really tried to make this film ethnically diverse.. Well.. They tried.. Not hard enough, but I could see effort..
Then there are more ice stallions and I honestly could have watched two full hours of Elsa and her iceypole steeds riding majestically atop the dark sea. I’m not joking, whichever gay at Disney came up with this plot line needs to be paid all the money and made the boss of the world.
The underlying themes of not feeling as though you’re in the right place in your life because you’re ignoring your inner voice which is speaking your truth will hit a nerve for A LOT of women. Then when Elsa goes in search of said voice, listens to it and ends up resplendent and glorious riding atop a FUCKING ICE PONY – you will leave determined to make some serious changes in your life. This film is as much for the exhausted Mothers taking their children along to see it as it is for the small people.
Then it’s the end and Arendelle is saved because of the sisters and Ana gets a new job and Elsa joins Captain Planet’s gang.
Still no romance for Elsa, poor bish. Can’t even masturbate without an oven mitt… Or you know.. SHABLAM: CLITSICLE.
Storyline: 3/10 But honestly who cares.