Em’s non spolier Frozen 2 recap.


Remember how we kinda hated Elsa and Ana’a parents because they were all like “Elsa, hide those magical powers, conceal don’t feel bish!” And then they got themselves dead in a mysterious shipwreck, but we didn’t really care much. I mean we were sad for the kids but if we’re all being honest – none of us were emotionally attached to Mum and Dad. Even the film just kinda rolled a tiny velvet curtain over their portrait to symbolise their demise and then moved on. On a side note, Disney ain’t afraid to kill off a parent; can I get an amen up in here Mufasa and Bambi’s mum?!

Well forget that shit, because in Frozen 2 we get full back story realness and those two negligent parentals have a few more dimensions than we gave them credit for!

The film starts with flashbacks ahoy, I won’t give too much away but it’s super cute and we hear Ana and Elsa’s Mum sing and it’s sweet AF. Then we move to present day Arendelle and Elsa has some new purple eyeshadow, some jazzy flat boots and a positive attitude! She’s also moved away from the blue peasant girl vibe outfit-wise, and into a lilac dress, with power shoulders and matching pants. It’s very mid-90’s Gwen Stefani and I’m not mad about it. There’s some subtle diamontee work through the neckline and down the back of her sensible cape. Her look says: Yes I’m an ice queen but I could also be a corporate lawyer for the seven Dwarfs should the occasion call for it.

Elsa starts hearing voices and look, in the scheme of things, it doesn’t seem to phase her that much. Her possible schizophrenia moves us into the first power ballad of the movie, “Into the unknown” and I AM HERE FOR IT! She’s hitting an F chest belt first chorus in, and I was clapping in my gold class Jason recliner!

Olaf is back, as annoying as ever. I wish he had’ve found out what frozen things do in summer in Frozen 1. He gets a number about stuff making sense when you get older but honestly I wasn’t paying attention. He did have one shinning moment which stoped me from wanting to take him to the nearest seven eleven and turn him into a sassy slushy – he recounted the first frozen movie to some new characters who needed to be caught up. It was a hot, funny conscious stream of thought vomit verbalised and I was amused.

Kristoff is back and has moved into the castle even though he and Ana aren’t married (they’re quite progressive in A town huh?) he wants to take their relationship to the next level, he is still has a slightly worrying co-dependent relationship with his reindeer but he’s got a strong jawline and a kind heart so I’ll allow it. Elsa keeps hearing voices, and then earth, wind and fire turn up (not the 70’s funk band – the elements) rip the town apart and the residents of Arendelle are fucked yet again. Then the trolls pop in for a confusing cameo, granddad troll with the grass mullet says some shit about prophesies and bridges and mysterious trees. So then the gals have to go check out some enchanted forest for reasons I can’t tell you – not because I don’t want to spoil the movie I just straight up don’t understand why.  It feels as though the makers of this franchise were given 100 bajillion dollars an felt the need to jam 57 stories lines in and I honestly couldn’t confidently tell you the synopsis of this film even if I wanted to. I dunno how a five year old is meant to get it because this moderately intelligent 40 year old got lost when the stone giants, tiny cute fire lizard and ice horses appeared..


Kristoff gets the song of the movie IMO ‘Lost in the woods’ – it’s an 80’s power ballad complete with split screens and meaningful and wistful stares atop cliffs with a bohemian rhapsody reindeer accompaniment.

Then Elsa totally does an Elsa, and ditches everyone to go and find herself – AGAIN.

While living her eat, pray, love fantasy, she falls into some underground epic ice world of future and past combined, she then gets a total make over – we’re talking queer eye on crack levels of hair, make-up and clothing. I can totally hear Jonathan Van Ness screaming ‘YES HENNY. SERVING FIERCE SILVER FOX FAIRY BAREFOOT REALNESS!’ She then sings ‘Let it go’ sorry I mean ‘Show yourself’ and I CRIED MORE SALTY TEARS!

It also turns out that there was an indigenous population of Arendelle that the white people of the town totally screwed over and look Disney really tried to make this film ethnically diverse.. Well.. They tried.. Not hard enough, but I could see effort..

Then there are more ice stallions and I honestly could have watched two full hours of Elsa and her iceypole steeds riding majestically atop the dark sea. I’m not joking, whichever gay at Disney came up with this plot line needs to be paid all the money and made the boss of the world.

The underlying themes of not feeling as though you’re in the right place in your life because  you’re ignoring your inner voice which is speaking your truth will hit a nerve for A LOT of women. Then when Elsa goes in search of said voice, listens to it and ends up resplendent and glorious riding atop a FUCKING ICE PONY   – you will leave determined to make some serious changes in your life. This film is as much for the exhausted Mothers taking their children along to see it as it is for the small people. 

Then it’s the end and Arendelle is saved because of the sisters and Ana gets a new job and Elsa joins Captain Planet’s gang.

Still no romance for Elsa, poor bish. Can’t even masturbate without an oven mitt… Or you know.. SHABLAM: CLITSICLE.

Storyline: 3/10 But honestly who cares.

Songs: 8/10

Overall 11/10

12 responses to “Frozen 2 – ICE HORSES GUYS!”

  1. Holy shit. I just read this after night shift and have been transformed. Epic review. I cannot wait to enjoy this as much as you. THANK YOU. Ps Disney really needs to read this.

  2. I feel like you need to do a filmed reenactment of this (and yes you should sing ALL the songs).
    I’d definitely pull out the cheese and wine to watch it… may even decide to have a girls night.
    You have already considered this haven’t you?
    Also can Jonathan Van Ness have a cameo ?

  3. This is by far the best movie review I had ever read (ok let’s be fare my only one I’ve ever read!) if they were like this I’d read them all the time. Did I want to take my 3 daughters & put myself in this situation again & suffer through another traumatic 2 hours of my life I’ll never get back take …. HELL NO … will I now after that review .. dam straight i will!

  4. I saw this last night with 10 friends and it was WAY better than Frozen. I need to get my hands on that ice blue pantsuit ASAP. 🙂

  5. You fucking crack me up! Seriously this is the best movie description I’ve ever read! And best laugh I’ve had in years! Made this ol’ granny not only piss her nanny pants but I think I may have also sharted! ??
    I only hope my granddaughter asks the other nanny to take her to see this one! Hated the first one with a passion!

  6. OMG saw it today and legit the Kristoff 80s power ballad was the BEST part of the whole thing. I can’t believe someone has a job where they get to decide to put an 80s power ballad in an animated kids move #lifegoals

  7. Absolutely adore your take & what are the most important bits out..”she’s gone all mauve & blue..l can hear your voice dramatising it. I think ld love to watch any movie with you giving your spin on it. You Rock EM. Am l too old at 56 to still think like this. I just do not relate to the extremely serious, all the fricken time .

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