The five relationship commandments my husband and I obey

A very ‘brave’ woman on Facebook has posted a list of ’10 commandments’ her husband must abide by to keep her happy in their relationship… and look, it would be accurate to say she raised all the eyebrows. In fact, I’m betting there was probably a collective WHAT THE FUCK from every person who belongs to the members only “Get It Off Your Chest” Facebook group. As the name encourages, a lot of the group members did then proceed to get off their chests how CRAZY BA-NAY-NAY they thought her demands were. It’s also important to note that this was a revised list, as apparently her first crack was a little too harsh!

Yes, of course I have a copy of them, thank you very much.

I feel as though she’d be better off with a nice house plant than an actual human.¬†Obviously this list is completely unreasonable, and good lord – if she’s found a partner to follow them, then I pity the fool.

It did, however, make me think about the things I expect of my husband Scotty, and so I thought I’d write my own ‘commandments’ and put them to you lot to see what you think. Truth be told, I could only come up with five – it may shock you to know that I trust my husband and don’t feel the need to control his every move.

Em’s Five Relationship Commandments

1. Thou shalt not destroy the ensuite toilet in the morning. All bowel-emptying must be done in the upstairs toilet. (Scott showers after he toilets and if does his business in our ensuite, the result is a warm poo waft and it’s horrendous.)

2. Thou shalt clean as you go when you cook dinner.  (Scott sometimes leaves the kitchen looking like the cast of Masterchef had an orgy in there. I half expect Matt Preston to show up, wearing his cravat as a loin cloth, asking where his lube is Рwhich I also imagine is duck fat, not KY.)

3. Thou shalt not pick your earwax and wipe it on the side of the drivers seat in my car. (I mean this one is self-explanatory. Really. Do I really have to ask you not to do that?)

4. Thou shall refrain from the five minutes of phlegmy throat-clearing in the morning that sounds like an elderly goat is being drowned in a vat of chocolate, especially when we have overnight guests.

5. Thou shall allocate one morning a week to snuggling for ten minutes in bed after the alarm goes off instead of leaping up at 6am to go for a bike ride.

In the spirit of fairness, I thought I’d ask Scotty what his relationship commandments are. At first he thought it was a trap. He stared at me with squinty eyes for a good two minutes before agreeing to list them, and even then he said them as though he was approaching an angry bear.

Scott’s Five Relationship Commandments¬†

1. Thou shall limit the number of cushions to four on the bed. (We’ve compromised, I have ten.)

2. Thou shall not wake me up in the middle of the night because you’ve decided you want to put a tile mosaic in the bathroom. (To be fair, the banksia-and-wattle print is going to look amazing and I needed to share my Australian native theme with someone when it came to me at 3am on Saturday night.)

3. Thou shall tell me EXACTLY what you want instead of hinting at it or expecting me to ‘get the vibe’.

4. Thou shall stop using my FUCKING towel. (He was super aggressive about this one guys…)

5. Thou shall stop referring to thou-self as ‘hungry hungry hippo’ or ‘tubby’ – you’re pregnant and you look beautiful. (I expect he just threw that one on the end to soften the other four)

So there you have it: mine involve a lot of bodily functions and his involve home-decorating and vibes – seems about right!

Please feel free to pop yours in the comments section below, I look forward to reading them at length later today.

Oh and by the by WE HAVE JUST RESTOCKED THE COMMUNITY PINS! Go now and get yours my pals, join my cult.

Have a great week,

Em X

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