The five relationship commandments my husband and I obey
A very ‘brave’ woman on Facebook has posted a list of ’10 commandments’ her husband must abide by to keep her happy in their relationship… and look, it would be accurate to say she raised all the eyebrows. In fact, I’m betting there was probably a collective WHAT THE FUCK from every person who belongs to the members only “Get It Off Your Chest” Facebook group. As the name encourages, a lot of the group members did then proceed to get off their chests how CRAZY BA-NAY-NAY they thought her demands were. It’s also important to note that this was a revised list, as apparently her first crack was a little too harsh!
Yes, of course I have a copy of them, thank you very much.
I feel as though she’d be better off with a nice house plant than an actual human. Obviously this list is completely unreasonable, and good lord – if she’s found a partner to follow them, then I pity the fool.
It did, however, make me think about the things I expect of my husband Scotty, and so I thought I’d write my own ‘commandments’ and put them to you lot to see what you think. Truth be told, I could only come up with five – it may shock you to know that I trust my husband and don’t feel the need to control his every move.
Em’s Five Relationship Commandments
1. Thou shalt not destroy the ensuite toilet in the morning. All bowel-emptying must be done in the upstairs toilet. (Scott showers after he toilets and if does his business in our ensuite, the result is a warm poo waft and it’s horrendous.)
2. Thou shalt clean as you go when you cook dinner. (Scott sometimes leaves the kitchen looking like the cast of Masterchef had an orgy in there. I half expect Matt Preston to show up, wearing his cravat as a loin cloth, asking where his lube is – which I also imagine is duck fat, not KY.)
3. Thou shalt not pick your earwax and wipe it on the side of the drivers seat in my car. (I mean this one is self-explanatory. Really. Do I really have to ask you not to do that?)
4. Thou shall refrain from the five minutes of phlegmy throat-clearing in the morning that sounds like an elderly goat is being drowned in a vat of chocolate, especially when we have overnight guests.
5. Thou shall allocate one morning a week to snuggling for ten minutes in bed after the alarm goes off instead of leaping up at 6am to go for a bike ride.
In the spirit of fairness, I thought I’d ask Scotty what his relationship commandments are. At first he thought it was a trap. He stared at me with squinty eyes for a good two minutes before agreeing to list them, and even then he said them as though he was approaching an angry bear.
Scott’s Five Relationship Commandments
1. Thou shall limit the number of cushions to four on the bed. (We’ve compromised, I have ten.)
2. Thou shall not wake me up in the middle of the night because you’ve decided you want to put a tile mosaic in the bathroom. (To be fair, the banksia-and-wattle print is going to look amazing and I needed to share my Australian native theme with someone when it came to me at 3am on Saturday night.)
3. Thou shall tell me EXACTLY what you want instead of hinting at it or expecting me to ‘get the vibe’.
4. Thou shall stop using my FUCKING towel. (He was super aggressive about this one guys…)
5. Thou shall stop referring to thou-self as ‘hungry hungry hippo’ or ‘tubby’ – you’re pregnant and you look beautiful. (I expect he just threw that one on the end to soften the other four)
So there you have it: mine involve a lot of bodily functions and his involve home-decorating and vibes – seems about right!
Please feel free to pop yours in the comments section below, I look forward to reading them at length later today.
Oh and by the by WE HAVE JUST RESTOCKED THE COMMUNITY PINS! Go now and get yours my pals, join my cult.
Have a great week,
Love these Em. Have only been married for 6 months and I’m coming up with a few myself. Might surprise him with those on our 1 year…considering paper is the traditional anniversary gift.
Here’s my top 5
1. Do not shit in the en-suite toilet a. If I am still in bed & b. before I go to bed.
2. Do not talk to me when I wake up unless I speak to you first. I don’t want to answer 20 questions when my eyes are barely unglued.
3. Occasionally it would be nice if I didn’t have to ask you to go get Friday night alcohol or have to go and get it myself. I would love to walk in on a Friday after work and Open the fridge and then ..ta-da!! There is Jack Daniels!
4. Stop questioning me why on Friday we have no money when you’ve been paid on Thursday…if you did all the grocery shopping and paid the bills, you would know why we are sometimes on the bones of our ass. Also, feel free to take this job off me. I promise to never question why we are broke.
5. Keep loving me…I know it’s hard.
Thou shalt make contact with wife once per day (call, text or email is fine) to make sure that the stay at home (weekdays) mother of your three young children has not been eaten alive by said children.
Thou shalt additionally make contact with approximate time of work departure to assist with planning of evening routine with evil spawn/amazing cherubs (dependent on day).
Thou shalt remember that thou works in construction administration, not neurosurgery, so access to many forms of communication is readily available and above contact commandments are completely reasonable
You are so on the same page as me 😂
I could have lived without the mental image of Matt Preston in a cravat-loincloth wielding duck fat and cracking a fat, thanks doll!
1. Don’t tell me what to do.
That’s it. 😄
1. Thou shalt not take longer to poop then I took to push out our first born (no one needs an hour to poop guys)
2. Thou shalt choose only 1 day of overtime per off swing
3. Thou shalt cook 1 night of dinner per off swing
4. Thou shalt put down your phone and acknowledge the children occasionally
I really feel like these are pretty fair. They don’t always work, but you know, we try.
How accurate Em! Apart from the ones you’ve listed, I’ve got a couple more I’d like my partner to abide by –
1. Thou shall not play with your hair or snot while your thou self is in the kitchen. This includes cooking, cleaning, doing the dishes, etc. God dammit I mean even if you’re breathing in the kitchen, you shouldn’t be playing with your hair and snot.
2. Thou shall not count how many weeks you’ve been taking the bin out for. Just like my job is to do online grocery shopping, your job is to empty the bins, line the bins, take the bins out and make sure you’re not bringing an ant trail in the house. All the chores have been divided equally and thou shall stick to those…unless I’m not well and then thou self is expected to offer a hand.
1. Thou shalt not lift thy arse cheek off the chair to fart. It simply makes it louder and more offensive to everyone unfortunate enough to be close proximity to your arse.
2. Thou shalt not make the bedroom smell like an open sewer every Sunday morning when I am able to enjoy my one morning sleep-in beyond 6am.
3. Thou shalt continue to make me a cuppa every morning for the rest of my days.
4. Though shalt clear your throat when it’s dry rather than speaking like your internet connection is dropping in and out.
5. You shall take each and every beer bottle cap and place it in the bin rather than leaving them in a pile on the bench for me to collect while you are snoring on the couch at 8.30pm on a Friday evening. (There are generally on three in the pile but regardless it shits me to tears).
All fairly reasonable requests, perhaps a visit to Shoppo to the amazing Aesop shop to purchase the equally amazing “poo Drops” , two drops after flush and “ bingo”! Oh and the thought of Matt Preston in a cravat loin cloth is much more horrendous that anything Scotty did or does!
1. Learn to help do fucking housework! Without being asked, or prompted by my psychotic outbursts
2. If you insist on changing the radio station in my car, have the decency to put it back where it was when you’re done
3. At least OFFER to cook dinner once in a while… or have it done at a reasonable time if I’ve been out or am late home from work
4. When I wake you because you’re snoring on the couch, stop trying to fool yourself by saying you’re not sleeping, you’re just “stretching”
5. Shut up
Em, I know you and Scott’s are not the perfect couple or have the perfect relationship but WOW! Realrionship goals right here!! ❤️❤️
Mine is simple….
Thou shall not be an arse of a human to me.
Thou shall treat me with respect as I will treat you.
We locked this down in our wedding vows. I promised to change football teams, acknowledge that on occasion havianas can be considered appropriate footwear and Saturday morning surfing was essential. In turn my husband promised to never question the need for another pair of shoes, always laugh at my jokes, dance with me at least once a year and agree coffee with my girlfriends was an essential part of my mental health regime. We’ve kept these promises for about 8 years.
Hahaha. The cycling at 6am thing!!!! Before I had our 9 month old it was 5AM ON WEEKENDS. VERY UNACCEPTABLE.
1. Thou shalt bother to give your wife a heads up when you’re going to be running late home from work – calling after everyone knows you’re very late to say, “I’m running late” defeats the purpose.
2. Thou shalt stop freaking out in September and October and December (no matter what your family says or does – long story).
3. Thou shalt say “Yes! Do it! You deserve it!” when I propose some me-time. Not, “Um…mumble mumble, but I…” – come on man, I’m a cycling widow. I had your babies. I deserve it. Show some happiness about it.
4. Thou shalt empty the nappy bin when it’s full. Dude.
5. Thou shalt not put your hands all over me just because I rolled over in bed. I am TRYING TO GET BACK TO SLEEP.
Why do I envisage Matt Preston to be really sweaty and out of breath! Thank you Em for that visual….!!
1. As you run your own business and are never home in daylight hours and I work shift work always leave $150 on the end of the bench weekly and I will do all the chores around the house and only complain twice a week about this. We used to have a house cleaner once a week at a cost of $60 but then we moved into a new home and didn’t need her.
2. The en-suite and toilet are MINE you MUST use the other bathroom and toilet and ALWAY leave this toilet bare of evidence tat you were there.
3. Always love me like you do and have done for 15 years until the end of time.
4. Never question any new acquisition of shoes and handbags….even though you never do and in fact are the biggest enabler.
5. NEVER FORGET that I will continue to love you until the end of time my darling.
1. Do not eat anything loudly near me (same room) unless I too am consuming a highly audible food.
2. Accept the fact that when I say the sheets aren’t smooth enough and/or the doona is skewiff (you know what I mean) this means everyone must immediately vacate the bed and help make it to MY satisfaction.
3. If I ask if you would like to come to a market on a Sunday morning with me, understand that there is only 1 answer – YES!
These are for my wife:
1) If you’re going to fart, and you are going to, then you must get up off the couch and do it in another room and you are not to reappear until the smell has dissipated completely. Side condition: You are to never say ‘Did you know that?’ when you do fart
2) Don’t ever ask me ‘what do you want for dinner?’ I don’t know? I don’t care. Let’s just kill something and eat it and get the kids to bed so we can watch netflix.
3) Don’t ask me the night before ‘Are you going to the gym in the morning?’ I’m not. You know I’m not. No amount of nagging is going to change that. Fuck the gym. Imagine if i asked that question!! I’d be dead. You know it. I know it.
4) Don’t ask me if I want to go over to your annoying sisters house with her shit know it all husband who doesn’t like beer and barracks for Hawthorn. The answer is always ‘No.’
5) Me time is as important for me as it is for you. I love you but don’t ever tell me to ‘get off the stupid PlayStation!’ It’s not stupid. You’re stupid. I don’t tell you to get off the toilet when you’re on there forty times a day due to your weak bladder. I don’t tell you to get off your phone when you should be engaging with me the greatest thing that’s ever happened to you. The PlayStation is my go to buddy and makes me feel great. Yes I derive a strong amount of satisfaction from it (some of it sexual) but it is a need as long as your Candy Crush is a need for you.
1. Do not fart and trail the smell around the entire house. I know it was you and not the dogs, no the smell hasn’t stayed in one room. Ya nasty.
2. Chew with your mouth shut and choose quiet foods. Please!
3. Stop sleeping Starfish and complaining you have no room and you’re hanging off the bed.
4. Don’t ask me what i have done all day on my days off. Your days off are spent on the playstation. Chores can wait for me as well.
5. Don’t ever forget, even when I am in my bitch mood, my filter long gone out the window, that I love you.
Thou shall not chew your food without a sufficient amount of background noise. I do not want to hear the food moving around in your mouth.
1. Continue to use the Childrens’ bathroom for pooping. For evermore.
2. NOT pick the dry skin off your feet until they bleed and drop it on the floor. Gag gag GAG
3. Stop rolling your eyes every time I ask for your assistance with something tech related.
4. Look for things YOURSELF and not ask me where I put something when it’s in the same place it’s been since we moved into this house. Usually right in front of your face.
5. Listen to me when I speak so I don’t have to repeat myself. I’m a teacher. I spend my entire working day doing that. I don’t want to do it in my off time too.
6. Continue to remind me daily how gorgeous and sexy and desirable I am ❤️
Five? Why not 10!
1. Thou shall close all cupboards/drawers after opening them.
2. Put the empty tuna can in the bin, the bread back in the fridge before sitting on the lounge and enjoying your sandwich (applies to all meals made)
3. Em’s number 5 (except replace bike ride with swim/run)
4. Thou shall not hog all the choice of Netflix shows.
5. Thou MUST leave toilet roll on toilet roll holder, and not leave them around the house as a “tissue box”.
6. No porn. 🤓
Together 18 years and I only have one:
Thou shall dispose of the envelopes after opening the mail
…other then that, he’s pretty perfect.
1. Do not wake me at 5.30am on weekend mornings when on Monday to fridays you can’t get out of bed before 6.45am – and that’s only because I kick you out so I can make the bed before I leave at 7am.
2. In those final minutes when I’m trying to slap on some makeup so I don’t frighten small children, do not yell at me from the other end of the house about the news headlines, I’ve been up since 5.30 and I know them off by heart. If I don’t answer you, this doesn’t mean you repeat it all again at the top of your voice. I also don’t want to get into a debate st 7.03 about why I think it’s perfectly ok for our 24 year old to have a Stan account.
3. Cease talking about quitting your well paying job and working at Bunnings. It won’t be “fun”, you’ll probably have a 26 year old boss who’ll monitor your toilet breaks.
4. Remove your dinner plate from the table in a timely manner and put it in the dishwasher instead of on the sink immediately above.
5. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever again use roundup to kill the half a dozen weeds that grow in the back lawn. It takes months for the lawn to grow back over the mysterious dead patches. Just bend over, break a sweat and pull those mothers out.
Wow some of these sound like they need therapy not comandments.
1. Thou shall not pretend to scratch your nose when i know you were really picking it. 😑
2. Thall shall always continue to say i love you before bed and never go to bed angry with each other
3. Thall shall continue to make each other laugh. Laughter truley is the best medicine.
4. Dutch ovens are banned for eternity.
5. Thou shall continue to wake up every morning and keep the silence. No coffee no talky.
My husband showers after shitting too! Unfortunately we only have one bathroom so I guess I will have to keep suffering in that department until we renovate or get a bigger house.
I really enjoyed this laugh particularly at the comments. I don’t have rules, I have guidelines.
1. There’s an exhaust fan in the bathroom, please use it. And if particularly rank, please leave it on after you have left. Also use the downstairs toilet. It’s the pooping toilet.
2. For the love of all that is holy if I find one more dish at the farthest end of the kitchen that you had to walk past the dishwasher to put there I’ll start putting them in your car. It was amusing the first time. After months of the same routine it’s no longer funny. Also you are not allergic to chores, please pick up your shit.
3. Please take up less room on the couch. You are not three people. While on the subject can I pick the next Netflix series we watch? It’s been 2 years since I picked one.
4. Please continue to be my biggest warrior and protector.
5. If I cooked or bought take out, a simple thank you is appreciated.
There’s probably more, but I need to go cook dinner.
1. Don’t do that clearing your throat thing as you fart into the couch. It doesn’t hide it. We all know it’s you.
2. Please don’t suggest I’ve “been in a grumpy mood since you got home” like it’s the worst thing ever when you’ve coming in moaning like a bear with a sore head. We’re both allowed to feel tired and grumpy.
3. Don’t complain about the house being untidy when you don’t contribute to cleaning or tidying it. I’m doing the best I can with a 4 year old whirlwind destroying the house faster than Tassie Devil behind me!
4. You should come to some of the kids parties your child is invited to instead of making excuses and hiding in the shed. You don’t have to invest your time with all the parents. Just come and spend time with your child.
5. As much as your constant farting and loud chewing annoy me, I’ll always love you, and hope you’ll always love me too.
I’ve only got 2:
1. Happy wife, happy life
2. Couples who say they don’t fight are liers
My husband suggested I write my
list on paper as it burns easier, cheeky bugger, but after nearly 27 yrs together, 20 of them married I figure we are doing ok !
1. Though shall not pick your fucking toenails on your side of the bed and leave them for me to vacuum up…..come on dude its fucking gross!
2. Do not come at me with your, happy as a pig in shit, morning self on the weekends before I have had time to become semi human. It never ends good for you.
3. Thou shall not need to take a 20 minute toilet session, 5 goddamn minutes before we have to leave the house!…everytime!! it’s like you can shit on command!
4. return my call or SMS, you are not so busy you cant return a quick message
5. Thou shall not crunch in ice in front of the wife, unless you like me having homicidal thoughts about you.
God I would HATE to see his list for me hahaha.
Thou shall not come home & get grumpy with the kids within 5 minutes of being home! I’ve been home all day with them, you need to give them at least an hour before cracking!
Thou shall close all cupboard doors & draws!
Thou shall not complain about certain chores needing to be done! Here’s a hint buddy, you live here too! Just do the chore if it’s bugging you!
Thou shall not huff and puff and get cross when I snore. I literally can not help it
These are my rules:
i only need three of them …
1. Thou shalt not cheat
2. Thou shalt not lie
3. read 1 & 2 again
Staying single from now on!
Keeping it real AF as always Em and can relate to so many of these!! We also have a no poop in the en-suite rule… nobody likes a steaming poo at 5am… NOBODY.
Snuggling for 10 minutes before jumping up, I think I will keep that one in the ol’ back pocket… it’s the simple things.
Ps. Australian native floral mosaic, SAY.NO.MORE!! My creative juices are running wild with ideas RN. Man I love reading your stuff, it’s never boring and always honest. Xx
1-Thou shall endeavor to stay awake for more than five minutes when we watch tv at night. Especially if it’s something scary, even mildly scary, because I’m a complete mess and need to hold your hand.
2- Thou shall fart more frequently. Seriously what kind of freak of nature only farts once every other month?!
I’m serious Em, he’s not a “secret” farter, he literally never farts and there are… concerns.
The kids and I keep a stash of party poppers to celebrate “the passing of the wind” occasions, much to our hilarity and his dismay.
I’m crying with laughter about the farting comment and the visuals of the kids with the party poppers 😀
These are very similar to mine:
1. One must not turn the en-suite light on and wake me up when you brush your teeth at 5.20am (there’s no door)
2. One must wash his hands after the toilet, and do NOT walk straight into the kitchen and open the fridge, especially after a poo! I will be behind you with the glen 20 wipes.
3. The 5am Darryl Braithwaite ‘horses’ alarm on full volume is never to be heard again.
4. One must not watch videos in bed or watch tv past 9.30pm on a weeknight while I’m trying to sleep.
My girl Mel and I have a relationship built on parity. I love her dearly and this is my take:
1. If you can talk openly about vaginal fungus and light bladder leakage at the dinner table, I can pick my nose while pretending to looking interested.
2. My haircut, lunch and new pair of pants – still cost less than your colour and cut but you do look awesome!
3. Dutch ovens are funny and fair game when awake. Just because I do it obviously and you wait until I’m sleeping and then giggle in the morning – don’t think I’m unaware. The singed nasal hairs are a give-away.
4. I promise not to poo in the en-suite at night if you promise to stop blow drying your hair at 6am and leaving the bathroom looking like Cousin It has been murdered and dismembered with long hair everywhere.
5. Powertools are a must for me. Just as your 3 hairdryers, 2 curling tongs, laptop and mobile phone with Instagram are for you.
6. So long as you love me as much as I love you, one to five above don’t really matter…x
26 yrs married – 5 children
Though shall not pick ones own toe nails instead of using nail clippers (which we have 2,500 of these readily available in house) and leave them on arm of lounge or embedded in carpet in car.
Though shall not wake up and read through texts emails and fb messages before acknowledging the woman who bore your 5 children.
That’s my worst. Could go further but hey not everyone’s perfect !!
We never had any really, that is u til we had a child!!!! These have come about since then:
1. When you get home from work you will take the 5 month old child from me so I can oh I don’t know, pee without him screaming because I have left him!
2. You will come home from work at a reasonable hour, I love our child BUT when he won’t sleep throughout the day without me holding him and still isn’t sleeping throughout the night I am completely fucking exhausted by 6pm!
3. The 8pm feed is all you! I feed him all day, everyday and previous to last week when he refused to breastfeed anymore (yes I am still dealing with the emotional turmoil resulting from this 😂) he was constantly attached to me! Give me one feed!!!
4. One day a month A MONTH you will take said child out of the bedroom when he wakes up and you will care for him until I wake up, I don’t care how long this takes I need to recharge! Sorry that means you can’t sleep until lunchtime then wander out and say good morning 🤦🏼♀️
5. Weekends are for family time, turn your bloody phone off or don’t answer work calls or emails, come on babe seriously!!!
6. Remember I love you and this exhausted beast u climb into bed next every night will not be around forever 😂
PMSL this is pure gold!! Loved reading all these comments, made my day 🙂
Hmmm never thought about it before but here they are btw my husband knows these things and still breaks some of them!!!
Thou shalt not put your dirty work shit and smokes on the fucking kitchen bench or anywhere near the bloody kitchen its disgusting! I gave you a basket at the front door for it all put it in there!
Use fucking deodorant you smell like a rotting bucket of fish
Deodorant isnt a shower just have a fucking shower then put deodorant on!
Thou shalt stop yelling at the 3 yr old to be quiet shes 3 and your just a grumpy old cunt… unless shes screaming then yell away!
Thou shalt back me up when i tell the child to do something or not do something instead of sitting there like an amused seal thats about to get fly kicked in the head by me!
Thou shalt put your fucking dirty clothes in the washing hamper i have provided instead of beside it you blind twat!
I love you fuck face but seriously the smokes and the hamper dude!!!!!! Not that hard!!!
1. Stop playing ‘deaf tennis’ from another room when we repeatedly shout ‘WHAT?’ ‘EH?’ ‘DO WHAT?’ at each other in an indefinite cycle until one of us can be bothered to actually get off their arse and walk towards the other to actually understand what the other is babbling on about.
2. Stop slurping your fingers whilst watching TV.
3. Using your pen knife to give yourself a pedicure whilst on the sofa is NEVER acceptable.
4. Your ‘whistley bogey nose’ will some day be your cause of death. We can ALL hear it whistling as you breathe……..how can you not?! Yes- this IS an actual thing. I’m a nursing student – trust.
5. Please increase your vocabulary when I make a valid point to include more than ‘yeah, right’ ‘really?’ and my personal favourite ‘uh-huh……..’
Here endeth the lesson. Much love ❤️
1) Thou shalt not touch me with your feet. Ever.
2) Thou shalt put your dirty laundry IN the dirty laundry basket. The floor next to the dirty laundry basket, is not the same as fecking well IN the laundry basket.
3) Thou shalt not call me from the supermarket to ask me what size spaghetti to buy. Just get the damn spaghetti.
4) Thou shalt not call me just to say ‘hi’ 8 times during my only child free day.
5) Thou shalt not insist on detailing the directions of how to get somewhere when I have already told you 6 times that Google maps has it covered. Accept that you are now redundant in this regard.
Do not wake me unless you have coffee, bacon or sex (or all 3).
Do not use my toothbrush. Finding my towel used irks me enough, the toothbrush just tips me over the edge!
A courtesy text is required with sufficient warning if you shall be late home from work. I miss your annoying face.
Mine would be
1. Thou shalt not put any animal above our relationship.
2. Thou shall let me wake up on the weekend by myself without asking me a million questions first
3. Thou shall ask me whats wrong instead of “whats your problem”
4. Thou shall not ask me when we are leaving if your the one to say “your family your rules you decide when we leave” it defeats the purpose.
5. Thou shall check in with me at least once a day so i know your ok because you know i will worry if you dont.
OMG, Em, this latest blog is hilarious and gorgeous. I agree the idea is to be able to trust your partner.
Here would be my 5:
1. Thou shalt tell me when I am being over paranoid or irritable. (Please remedy with caffeine)
2. Please hug me if I go into “silent treatment.” Sometimes the words don’t come and fight or flight kicks in.
3. Please don’t wake me at insane hours. (E.g. 3 am) Either you join me and snuggle or please leave me be.
4. Don’t place extra cushions. I can’t stand them. Two or a single tri cushion is enough
5. Always remember, despite fights and arguments, you are enough and that you are perfect just being you.
While you may think it was a softening to the other four Em, appreciate Scotty’s fifth “commandment” and don’t be so hard on yourself. You are indeed, growing a human, a momentous and incredible task. You are indeed beautiful and worth it, so believe it.
These are fantastic!
My husband and I only have a few but here they are.
1. When we are both at home Nappy changing is a 50/50 job!
2. Husband must do all cooking, you love cooking and I hate it. If I do on occasion have to cook you will keep your opinions to yourself, I do not want to be graded on a points scale!
3. I promise to fold all fitted sheets correctly and neatly. (They do not need to be a scrunched up ball)
4. Do not touch the washing machine! You do not put a brand new pair of black pants in a load of whites!
5. Please continue to tell me you love me every single day, And never leaving the house without giving me a kiss first even if I am asleep.
1. Thou shall use some sort of grease remover when wiping the stovetop after cooking. I appreciate that a) you cooked and b) you attempt to clean up but smearing a grease sodden cloth all over my sparking benches really, really shits me.
2. Thou shall wipe up wee from the toilet seat/floor so I do not sit/stand in it in the middle of the night. I like surprises but that is not one of them.
3 Thou shall have a lesson on how to make our bed by our 7yr old who can actually make our bed better than yourself.
4. Thou shall put the DIY stuff you buy and put by the surface you are ‘planning’ to fix away. Immediately after purchase. We both know that shit ain’t never getting fixed until I call a handyman
5. Thou shall continue to be the most devoted and loving family man I know even though you can drive me crazy
Pretty great co partnership in our house but OH MY LORD…. THIS…..this one fricken habit he does…. grinds my gears.
1. One shall see all tasks that he begins are completed to a acceptable standard of 100% ONLY! One will do a complete job or not at all. Because a half arsed job is still making me pick up after and finish ones job and I remind one that I am not his Mother ……you came from her…. but you come in me. Finish the job 🤣👌🏻
Hahahaha! Relationship gold in all of these comments. BH and i read this and he said he has none because i’m perfect….what a suckjob…i have several:
1. Don’t tell me i’m in a bad mood when i’m in a bad mood…(i’m already aware…your face is probably part of the reason)
2. Don’t breathe on me…like ever.
3. Don’t refer to your wages as “fun funds”! It aint fun for me paying for literally everything else
4. Stop pissing on the toilet seat…the opening is wide… your penis ain’t.
5. Don’t put fucking sultanas and peanut butter in EVERY FUCKING dinner you “create”…your mother did it once for the worst curry I’ve ever eaten..you don’t have to copy her.
Ohhh my, after 27yrs with 19yrs married this is it.
1. You seriously drive me nuts cleaning your nose in the shower, but i got smart and now clean all the snot with the flannel u wash yourself with daily.
2. The toilet roll never belongs on the floor ever…
3. I calculate an extra 2 days for everytime u whinge about the washing not being folded. Why havent u worked it out yet.
4. A wedding anniversay gift or flowers would be nice, at least once before i die.
5. Nothing else lol your perfect otherwise.
Oh gosh! Lmao! Amen sister! To all of yours! And the one of his wirh being beautiful ❤️❤️
Oh and is it weird that I read it in your voice in my head? Lol.
This is hilarious 🤣🤣🤣
I’d like to add
Thou shall not leave trimmed beard hair in and around bathroom sink.
It doesn’t just magically disintergrate and find its way down the plug hole.
Have you even ever tried to clean up wet beard hair?
That’s right – because that shit’s a time consuming process of waiting and vacuuming and scraping and repeating!!
Also – please stop seeing a freshly cleaned vanity as an invitation to trim said bear hair.
Thou shall not fumigate the bedroom at 530 every morning with your deodorant -to then vacate the area, sealing all exits ensuring that I really marinate in that chemical shit storm for the next hour.
Thou shall always give an answer. ANY answer when asked what you want for dinner.
Thou shall not then roll eyes or make smart remarks when I choose to make something different because your idea was dumb….
And on the rare occasion i ask you to make dinner, don’t be lazy and say you don’t know what I like……I’ve made your dinner 99.9% in the last 16 years …… you KNOW.
Thou shall continue to give the BEST foot and calve massages in the history of the universe and spend lots of time doing stuff with your awesome kids ..
1. Thou shalt not twiddle my knobs. Literally, do not adjust the settings on the stove when I’m cooking, I know what I’m doing, I wanted the pan to “catch”. Figuratively, DO NOT TWIDDLE MY KNOBS! Again, I know what I’m doing.
2. Just saying “I’m not angry with you” when throwing a temper tantrum will not lessen my annoyance.
3. “I’ve done the washing” means putting it in the machine, putting it through the cycle, taking it out of the machine, hanging it on the line, taking it off WHEN dry, folding, and finally putting it away appropriately. Don’t lie about this.
4. Thou should only discuss my flatulence publicly when you make it sound cute.
5. Keep being the mess you are, because it matches my mess, and for 31 years it’s worked. ❤️
1) Thou shalt actually respond with something other than bacon pr spag bol when I ask what you want for dinner. Yes I know you like them, I do too but wd need vegtables occasionally.
2) you get to buy lunch or a coffee every day. I do it once a fortnight, it will not break the bank.
3) When my endo flares up or my arthritis does please do not call me old. I’m 15 months older than you and in my mid twenties. I’m just dealing with a dodgy body.
4) Every time I feel emotional or sick i am not pregnant. It took three years for it to happen the first time, and we’re on contraception. I’ll let you know if i think i am. But lets assume I’m not.
5) If you ever leave to sleep on the lounge again like you did last night they will not find the body. I’ve had a sore neck all day and my back aches from sleeping in my bra. I’m still annoyed.
1. Don’t start picking your feet on the couch and then lay them on me “to finish them off”.
2. Don’t come to bed and demand a pedicure on said feral feet at 9:30pm when I am comfortable & almost asleep.
3. Stop shitting in the fucking ensuite.
4. Clean up after yourself when you cook in the kitchen.
5. Don’t complain about the food I serve you for dinner. Be fucking grateful you’re getting fed at all.
6. World of Warcraft is NOT an acceptable hobby.
7. Take your dirty clothes off outside instead of leaving a trail of concrete dust throughout the entire house on your way to the laundry. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
8. Hang your fucking towel up!!
9. Stop using my towel when yours is still wet on the floor from the day before!
10. The bedside table is not a display case for half empty cans of Jack Daniel’s.
11. Stop drinking in bed.
1, Do not clean your ears after a shower with your dirty jocks.
2, wash your hands after being on the toilet, ( My husband thinks washing his hads before touching his friend down stairs is hygenic, what are you, a gromet!)
Dont fart in bed while I am undercovers
Now I think Thats fair!!!
This is giving me life today. My husband is bloody amazing, but:
1. Thou shalt keep out of my laundry. I like that you want to help, but ultimately your presence in there is in no way helpful.
2. Thou shalt adhere to my One-Way-Door Policy surrounding reading material and The Shitter. Once a book/mag goes in there to help you while away the hours, I don’t ever want to see it on my kitchen bench. Doubly so if the cistern is still refilling.
3. Though shalt attend to home maintenance. At the moment specifically the deck before the day comes when I’m forced to remove a 3cm splinter from the scrotum of one of our nudist sons.
4. Thou shalt forever more keep being the legendary Fun Parent and play all the shite make believe toddler / preschool games that make time stand still and I just can’t be involved in if I’m to retain what tiny shred of sanity I have left.
Duck fat instead of KY 😂 absolute gold!
1. No poop in the en-suite. Ever.
2. If I put the sprinkler on he always ends up having to turn them off.
3. If I need anything from the car after dark he has to get it. Because… Vampires duh
4. He has to sleep nearest the door so the killer/zombie/home invader/toddler gets him first
Duck fat instead of KY 😂 absolute gold!
– No poop in the en-suite. Ever.
– If I put the sprinkler on he always ends up having to turn them off.
– If I need anything from the car after dark he has to get it. Because… Vampires duh
– He has to sleep nearest the door so the killer/zombie/home invader/toddler gets him first
1. Thou shall shut the en-suite door when shitting predawn after thou alarm has woken me up for thou stupid fucking bunch ride.
2. Thou shall remember to collect thou own child without thou wife reminding thou.
3. Thou shall stop buying headphones.
4. Thou may consider cooking a meal occasionally.
5. Thou shall shut the fuck up about triathlon.
1. Close all screen doors you go through…. EVERY SINGLE TIME! Mosquitos and flies take fuck all time to get inside and you aren’t the one they love…
2. NOT wait till your phone call connects through to me before clearing your throat – seriously! Do that before you ring me!
3. Continue to do all the laundry – love you long time!
4. Make sure there is always coffee in the house – we both know you and the kids aren’t safe if I haven’t had morning coffee
5. Continue being a champion at poo time! Ladies – love a man that always uses duck power loo cleaner after he poos and cleans the toilet…. I never have to walk into a wafting poo stench xxx
Thou shall let me be MYSELF! This is after job 1 shift that finishes at 5.30 and job 2 my mumshift that never has set times!
This shall be not limited to shopping , having a wine with mates, seeing live music and going on a girls weekend and going on long drives in my valiant
Who was I ten years ago? ME!!
1. Thou shalt not complain about doing the washing when your only asked to put it in the washing machine. Thou shall also not complain about your clothes not being washed if you don’t want to do all the washing yourself.
2. Don’t blame your farts om the baby, I know!
3. If I’m upset just feed me.
Thou shall not turn our bedroom into a gas chamber every night. As soon as my husband lies down it is like a pressure valve is released and it’s game on. Is sleeping in clean fresh air too much too ask? I swear one day I will not wake up due to lack of oxygen and will be a click bait headline.
Thou shall not accept a boys poker night invitation on one’s wedding anniversary!
1.Thou shall not leave your glass on the dining table after dinner “just in case I want another drink”! We all know you have left a glass on the table every night for the last 12 friggin years!!!!
2. Thou shall not pick your nose in the car while I am with you and try to disguise the fact that you roll it and flick it onto the floor between your legs! I SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!!
3.Thou shall remember to comment on a clean house when you know I have cleaned all day!!!
5. Thou shall remember that a cuddle in bed at night DOES NOT I repeat DOES NOT mean let’s have sex!
I have one rule:
I bring you a coffee in bed, every morning. If you try not to be a c*nt, I will try not to forget that I do this.