Confessions of a preggo

Following what feels like the gestation period of an African elephant, I’m ripe and ready for birthing!

After my miscarriage in 2016 I couldn’t see a way through to where I am now, I was lost in a fog of grief with seemingly no end in sight. Now, at nine months pregnant and content with a son moving around in my belly, I look back and wish I could grab that sad lady by the shoulders, and tell her she’ll feel alive on the inside once again. In truth I spent the first few months of this pregnancy swinging from joy and elation to sadness and paralysing fear. I desperately tried not to become too attached to the idea of another baby, just in case. I smiled and made the appropriate noises when I spoke about it, but on the inside was a cold determination to protect my heart. You see, no one really speaks about the emotions that come with the pregnancy after the one that ended without a baby. 

I know that I’m lucky to be here, about to give birth, but the truth is: this pregnancy has taken it’s toll on me in so many ways. And while I am grateful, I’m also worn out. Which almost feels like a betrayal to my baby to say out loud, but there you have it. 

I’ve been challenged many times on how I see myself as a woman and a Mother. 

I like to be in control, that’s no secret to anyone. I like to know what’s going to happen and when, so that I can brace myself for the fallout, be it good or bad. It’s an anxiety coping mechanism, I know that. When you’re pregnant your body goes completely rogue. It assumes the biological autopilot position and you’re left clinging on for dear life. You’re reduced to being a passenger on board your own body, with nothing left to do but sit and stare out the window as each change occurs: 

“Oh look – another stretch mark!”

“Someone pass me the nail clippers, I’ve got thirteen new skin tags between my thighs!”

“Over there, a haemorrhoid is squeezing it’s way out of my anus – STUNNING!”

All the while, people expect you to smile and wave because that’s what us preggos are meant to do. It makes others uncomfortable if we’re not happily nesting, rubbing our growing stomachs and generally being maternal as fuck. 

I’ve had to stop doing a lot of the things I love and have become a low-key hermit. My friends haven’t seen me in months, and I’ve stopped performing and working as my body wasn’t coping with my lifestyle. In other words, I’ve had to hand my entire person over to this pregnancy, and that has challenged the ambitious, sassy business lady in me enormously. 

I don’t get out much anymore.

I’m both terrified and in awe of the ways in which my body has changed and adapted over the past thirty seven weeks. Women’s bodies are miraculous things. There have been times where I’ve caught myself feeling worried or repulsed by what’s occurred to me physically. It’s hard not to when your previously B cup breasts now nestle themselves snuggly inside a D cup, and when set free, rest atop your growing stomach like two giant, mono-nippled Jabba The Huts. And when lifted for aeration, they have the surface temperature of ‘centre court at the Australian Open’ degrees celsius underneath. On these occasions, I’ve mostly been able to remind myself that there’s a human life growing inside of me. A whole new person to come into the world, created by the factory of my body… and then I just worry about that instead of the cellulite on the side of my knees. 

I wanted to say to any woman who is pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or may one day want to be pregnant; it’s okay at times to feel stress, anger and pain when you’re up the duff. Society is really only comfortable with us pretending that this is the happiest time of our lives when sometimes, it’s not! I mean, I was promised there would be ‘glowing’, and yet the only sheen coming off me has been sweat.

That all being said, as I head into my final weeks of pregnancy, I say thank you to my body for what it has achieved. I’ve been hard on her more times than I care to admit, but what a bloody marvel it is to have done this thing. Instead of criticising my thighs, skin and everything in between, I say thank you for growing thighs, skin and everything in between. I say in my best Osher Günsberg voice: We’re at the pointy end of the competition, the summit of the mountain, the finish line of the marathon and now more than ever you need to go softly into each day. 

Thanks lady, go gently now.

Most days, I sit in the nursery imagining what’s to come. I’m bursting to meet this child and once again experience those magical first few days that only a newborn can bring. I let that warm feeling spread through my bones, and it feels good to allow that to happen.

Obviously going for a neutral, calming nursery theme..

Thanks for coming on the journey with me friends, I feel like this has been a communal pregnancy of sorts. Your words of encouragement, gifts and well wishes have kept me going. 

Let the next chapter begin: Current day Em with a baby!

What does that look like? I have no idea but I know there will be plenty of tears, bodily fluid and some bad behaviour – and that’s obviously just me. 

Speak soon, 

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31 responses to “Confessions of a preggo”

  1. Big Love to you for sharing this all with us…the good the bad and the (hardly!) ugly. You ve sure to take plenty of time to nest and “home” with your new little stranger…we shall be waiting here be it 3 days or 3 months. HUGS x

  2. Glow/sweat/dimple/stretch/expand away Em- you are a beautiful human making another beautiful human. We will all be here when you’re ready to share with us again x

  3. Thank you 🙏🏻 exactly what I needed to hear. Currently 28 weeks pregnant, turning 44 tomorrow, miscarriage march last year after being told 3 years previously I had gone through menopause. Even after the miscarriage last year was told it would not happen again. The terror is real and I just can’t wait for my little lady to arrive! You put into words exactly how I have felt since finding myself with this blessing. Scared to feel the joy just in case! Wishing you all the best for the safe arrival of your little one

  4. Thank you for sharing your truthful path – as someone who is not able to have children, I have relished every part – the good and the concerns, the changes and the joy. Thankyou for including us, for being truthful, funny and upfront.

  5. So so relevant to me right now. Stuck in a first trimester vomit marathon that nothing is fixing!! Thank you as always for your truth and hilarity xo

  6. I just love you Em Rusciano !
    You are the epitome of all women !!
    My ‘babies’ are 28 and 26 respectively .. I love them beyond the moon and sun , however , you have shown me how to love myself more than that !
    Keep being just Em , ok !
    🌸👶🏼🐥👊🏻🦄💫🍼🎼

  7. So much love for you mama..I had a stillborn lil man Thomas. I was only 23 and I was encouraged to complete the amino test and I always wonder if it was the right thing to do. Regardless he would have been loved and adored like he is today. Unfortunately we lost the lil man at 6.5 months old. I absolutely adore you. And think you’re honest and hilarious. Take care and all the best for the birth of your lil boy x

  8. You got this and I totally agree about how you lose control of your body and how wonderful it will feel when the baby is out and in your arms.. it feels like someone flipped the rogue body switch to the OFF position!! Lol!
    The best is yet to come for you and your family!!
    Swear like a sailor while pushing!! It helps!!
    💋
    Maj

  9. Pregnancy after loss is hard & there’s no sugar coating the mindfuck it is. I remember buying all the things but not actually thinking about my baby being in my arms until the 3rd trimester & breaking down in tears when I allowed it to finally happen.

  10. Good luck Em, you are a wonderful human and I have loved watching your story for over the last 4 years. You have made me laugh, cry but most of all you have taught me that it’s ok… Good luck with the birth of your beautiful baby boy and I’m really looking forward to your next chapter.. Love always 💙💙💙

  11. Thankyou so much for expressing this em! I’m pregnant with my second child and I definitely have to say I’ve felt extremely guilty for not feeling glowy and a maternal goddess like we are expected!
    Sending you so many good vibes as you head towards the birth of this beautiful boy- you deserve so my happiness xxx

  12. Love you sooooo much Em!!! CONGRATULATIONS and goodluck!!! You’re an AMAZING human i look forward to your ig stories everyday xoxoxoxox

  13. Here here sister. I’m 30 weeks with baby 2, preggo in my mid 30’s and I fucken hate my knee cellulite. Or the look of distaste on my husbands face when he says “I hope you’re moisturing everyday” when he sees my stretched skin, or my one day binge on veggies in an attempt to sort out these bloody hemmoroids but then I go back to pasta or fish n chips, or whatever I can be bothered having, which gives me heart burn anyway. Pregnancy is a miracle, but it’s more of an uphill battle on the daily and I’m surprised more baby daddies don’t die or get seriously injured in the making of these kidlets. I wish I was in your mothers group – Lordy lord, the sanity you would inject into the live of other mummas. Good luck with the next obstacles and enjoy being in the love bubble with your nearest and dearest.

  14. Oh Em, your beautiful. I miss the next part of life that is coming up for you. Almost 3 years ago my last son came out 🤗
    I have a photo of me at 37 weeks, standing up – very same expression on my face. What a marvel we are. Wishing you all the best dear.
    Xoxox

  15. Exactly this. I am fortunate enough to not have experienced a misscarage myself. But I witness my sister, my mum and countless friends struggle with the grief. When I found out I was expecting last year I was PETRIFIED it was going to happen to me. Hell, I didn’t buy anything for the nursery until 30 weeks despite being the “low risk text book pregnancy” described by my obgyn and midwife. I disconnected myself from it for so long to protect myself from the “just in case”. But aside from that, I really just hated being pregnant. I love my now 11 week old little girl, but it will take a lot of convincing and dare I say, bribbing, to get me to do that again.

  16. Having two miscarriages in the last 7 months, I can certainly identify on the pregnancy fear, and the lack of control on my body. Keeping fingers crossed for that elusive D cup and skin tags one day! Thank you for sharing your experiences, good and bad, it’s a refreshing read without the Instagram ‘gloss’. Good luck for the coming weeks! X

  17. Em I wish you all the happiness in the world. I’ve had 2 miscarriages, an ectopic, 3 beautiful children, pre eclampsia, GD, a failed VBAC (12hours of labour later) and 3 csections. For some of us pregnancy can be a damn disaster! That journey gave me the biggest downs but the highest highs as well. I think you are doing a fabulous service by keeping the journey real and telling the truths so many feel need to be overlooked for others to feel comfortable. The sheer panic that sits along side the elation when pregnant after a loss can be so very overwhelming. The dark thoughts that consume our quiet times during these pregnancies are all too real. Thank you for being a public voice that makes those of us whose bodies were more of a war zone, feel normalised. I can’t wait to see your little man when he gets topside 🤩🥰💕

  18. Oh Em you are truly a glitter in all our lives. It so good to hear someone talk about misscarage and everything that goes with it. Iv suffered two last year at 9 weeks. The sad thing about it none knew what to say. If it was spoken about more people would have a little more understanding of it. I’m very anxious about trying again but I know it will happen. Oh a better not you look amazeballs and cant wait to see a photo of your little man when her arrives xxxc

  19. I’m in that boat with you. I’m 37 weeks with my 4th bambino. Gravida 7, Para 3. Miscarriage is fucking awful to put it nicely. My challenge for this pregnancy is to surrender to the limitations of my body and not feel guilty that everyone else in my house also has to be a hermit for the next few weeks. Good luck with the birth, I found by the third I knew exactly what to do and how to cope. Love and light X

  20. Thank you for writing such an honest account of your feelings. I also had a miscarriage in 2016 after our first IVF treatment. It put me into a black hole and I thought my heart would never be able to love again, I thought I’d never feeling joy. She was our first ever baby and I still think about her often. I am now 21wks pregnant with baby number two. I know all too well about protecting your heart. I couldn’t/wouldn’t allow my heart or mind acknowledge or believe this baby will one day be in my arms. Now I feel the little perfect human move each day I still can’t quite believe it. We still haven’t brought anything. I also feel so guilty if I feel tired or sick because after all this is want I’ve always wanted. I often feel embarrassed about my growing belly and have to remind myself I’m growing a human, and it’s all perfectly normal. Thanks for sharing your journey with us, I’m right here on the same ride. All the best with the little mans arrival. XO

  21. I love your raw honesty and openness Em! You truly are such an inspiration. Everyone needs a bit of your sparkle✨ to brighten their day. I wish I had your advice when I was pregnant many moons ago! I can’t wait to hear how your life is going to change again once he is here. I hope you have a few glitter and sequenced jumpsuits picked out for him already!! ✨👶🏻💖🍼✨

  22. Thank you for this blog post. I also had a miscarriage before this current pregnancy, like to be in control and can relate 100% to what you have said above. You have articulated it so well. Needed to hear this. Best wishes.

  23. Thanks for that nail clipper skin tag tip! I was so repulsed when i grew them during pregnancy and i havent had the courage to get a doc to remove them if clippers work I’ll do it :). Haha im glad you think having a new born is magical but for me the first few days were absolute torture no milk, baby not latching, baby screaming all night, not knowing what to do! I would rather cut off my arm than have another child 😂!

  24. When your not sleeping but always tired, pregnancy has a way of playing with your head. After three losses and ten weeks in hospital I know, I was on guard until the day my beautiful Sophie was born. Your not alone EM and there will be moments of OMG I forgot how hard this is, however those moments, when your heart swells so much it could burst will blur those thoughts into distant memories. Much Love and here’s to a safe delivery.

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