A very important wedding took place a couple months ago.
No, it was not Harry and Meghan’s wedding. I mean, sure, that was an essential social event for all of our calendars this year (shout out to Fergie in the one glove. HERO) but it was nothing, zilch, utter poppycock compared to the one I’m talking about.
My best friend Michael Lucas’s wedding, aka The Big Gay Wedding Of The Year.
There is so much I want to say about how wonderful this night was. First and foremost, because I finally got to plan my best friend’s wedding. Oh, you better believe I planned it. I was on my hands and knees at the Plaza Ballroom, scrubbing the d-floor until it shone for my rock n’ roll knee slide in my dance solo. And yes, I sang. Of course I sang. The whole room sang, when we did our scheduled group sing-along of Your Song. There was also a flash mob for the first dance of the newlyweds, and glow sticks, and rainbow cakes, and musical theatre stars in Wizard Of Oz costumes. Did I mention this was a gay wedding?
But most of all, it was special because I got to see my best friend marry the love of his life. That doesn’t happen every day. We weren’t even sure if it would happen in our lifetime, but thank fuck Australia came to their senses. My BFF got to marry his BF. And as the VIP of the entire wedding, I got to make a speech.
So here’s what I said. Make sure you picture me in a long, silver sequinned gown looking insanely hot and glamorous, because that is accurate. Here we go.
My name is Emy Rusciano, I have known Michael since we were 11 years old.
Before Michael met Adrian we spent most of our time re-enacting pivotal Disney princess movie scenes, marvelling at Tina Knowles’ ability to get the Destiny’s child girls to wear those God awful house of Dereon costumes, and discussing the state of my marriage. I dumped on him knowing that one day, I’d be able to repay the favour.
I imagined him coming to me, I’m of course by the pool, resplendent in a fuchsia velvet turban pulled so tight it negates the need for a 4th face lift.
Francois my hard bodied pool boy would bring us gin and Michael would pour his heart out about his lover’s various transgressions. So when he met Adrian and it started to get serious, I sat patiently waiting for the time that I could dispense some sage, martial wisdom..
I’m still waiting 10 years later…
Because Adrian and Michael NEVER fight, not ever.
About ANYTHING.
It’s extremely nauseating and sweet all at once. They agree on most everything, they genuinely compromise when they don’t, and they actually like one another. They share a love of elaborate costumes, Adrian tolerates Michael’s novelty t-shirt collection and Michael pretends not to care about the amount of shoes Adrian has.
But. There has been “a” fight, and it involved Madonna being drunk at 4am, on stage at the forum, riding a tiny BMX, doing stand-up, dressed as a clown.
Let me take you there.
Rebel Heart tour, 2016. We’d waited 23 years for her return, Michael was of course signed up to the VIP Visa pre-sale and as soon as she was on sale he snapped up VIPPP, triple platinum, private pre-party, so close you could see the veins on Madge’s mighty biceps golden passes.
We planned elaborate costumes: I was Modern Day Madonna with a look inspired by Alessandro Michele for Gucci, think sexy gypsy matador. And Adrian and Michael had valiantly and selflessly agreed to dress as my hot Spanish bull backing dancers.
Then it was announced that she would also be performing an intimate, stripped back, acoustic show with only a limited number of tickets made available, and they were only for the true fans.
You literally had to prove your love for Madonna by posting a picture of you partaking in said love. Michael entered and also sent the details to both Adrain and I – I think with the hope we’d also enter. But look, we were both very busy, also we knew that Michael probably had it covered. He’s the details guy in our relationship, Adrian and I are just the fabulous Italians who rely on his extreme organisation.
Michael won 2 of the precious tickets.
Just. Two.
So he was left with the choice no gay man should ever have to make.
HIs very own homosexual Sophie’s choice.
Real talk: I’ve not seen that movie, and I don’t actually know what Soph had to pick between, and I’m fairly sure I don’t ever want to know, but whatever it was, I can’t imagine was as bad as what Michael was facing.
On one hand: He had Best Friend who along side of him, had worshipped Madonna since a very young age, who re-enacted the Like A Prayer film clip in her lounge room causing a small fire to break out, and who had long held the belief that Madonna was her biological mother.
Or some Adrian-come-lately, who was his partner, love of his life blah blah blah…
Michael told me of his dilemma and I recall being extremely gracious about it. I think I said something along the lines of “I will never recover if you take Adrian and not me, I may set myself on fire”.
So you know… I was super low-key about it.
I’m told Michael then went back to Adrian and explained how he’d already told me I could go, that he was afraid for my emotional state should he not take me and he honestly didn’t know what to do…
To his credit, Adrian fell on his sword, and told Michael to take me.
Michael confided in me that even though he’d passed on the ticket, things were not great. Michael felt that he’d failed their first big relationship test.
For the first time ever they had a fight, triggered by the combination of Madonna and I.
Michael was determined for Adrian to be there, he couldn’t bear the idea of letting him down. So he managed to find another competition, one that involved writing about your love for Madonna. As you all know, that bitch can write y’all. So in the space of 24 hours he entered over 60 times, he created fake email accounts, and WON 6 more tickets.
So Adrian flew to Melbourne and we all attended that strange, sad, exhilarating 4am Madonna show together. Adrian was friendly when he saw me after the incident, he was kind even. I can guarantee you I would not’ve been anywhere near as gracious if the situation was reversed. But Adrian cares about the people Michael loves.
You see, Adrian and Michael are a real team, they are truly devoted to each other’s happiness and celebrate each others eccentricities which is why they work. Their relationship is effortless, fabulous and enduring.
I love how they love each other.
To Adrian, thank you for being a willing participant in your husband and mine’s antics. You have never once made me feel unwanted and have always been very generous in sharing Michael with me. Thank you for accepting that we’re a package deal and most importantly, thank you for loving my cherished friend the way he deserves to be loved.
To Michael, you look hot bitch. You look J-Lo at the met gala, you look Whitney pre-Bobby, you look Madge circa Vogue.
I can’t wait to legally start our lives together.
All my love,
